Normal?

What's normal?

I often have said that I want to be normal.  I just want to be one of the guys.  Be able to relate to people unlike the way I do now.  Part of what makes me who I am though is the way I relate to people and it has served me fairly well up until now.  I can see things, understand things, and hear things differently than other guys.  Because of this I treat people differently than many guys.  BUT...  sometimes I feel it holds me back from being able to have more meaningful friendships with guys.  Something that is hugely lacking in my life.  My closest male friends live 300+ km away.  I want to be a normal guy.  But, it seems, that is just not in the cards for me.  

I'm just not normal.  

Then again... who is.

Caught in a jungle,

no sight of the other side,

trapped by the vines of life,

struggling to be free,

maybe all I need to do is release,

stop fighting,

and then a vision will come, 

a breath of fresh air,

light through the denseness,

hope to grasp.

How do I stop envying people?  I don't need a lot of material things, I don't need fame, I just want a few answers to life. My life.

I need to overcome complacency.  

Fill me with passion, fill me with vision, fill me with courage, help me to listen, help me to hear, help me to be.

Discernment

I was challenged today...  then again I am challenged pretty much every Sunday at church... 

How do you discern the voice of God from all the other expectations, voices and influences around you - family, friends, personal, denomination, work, etc?

Have I thought I was hearing from God when really it was the expectations of others?

There is something that has been weighing on me for a while now, but is it the Spirit of God or myself? or others expectations?

Trusting God

I want a family.  I want to get married, have 2.5 kids, have family dinners, holiday celebrations etc.  

But at this point I can't.  I am physically not really attracted to women.  HOW do I trust God to fulfill those types of needs?  I am 30.  Most of my friends are married or close to it.  It's not a crazy desire, except for the fact that I just don't understand how it could be possible.  I wish it were different.  Do I have to simply resign myself to the fact that I will never be married and have a family?  Who would chance a relationship with me?  Seriously... so life isn't fair... I get that... but really... this... this is completely outrageously unfair.  

HOW am I supposed to trust God with this one?  I think this is the only area I have a hard time trusting God, but it affects so much of my relationship with him and with others.

Inspiration Part II

It's awesome how some days are filled with new inspiration, even if that inspiration is small. I woke up today to sunshine (which always helps the day).  Knowing that it is my registration day and that my registration time started in the middle of class I have decided to skip my class this afternoon and ensure that I can at least get one of the classes that I want for next semester (apparently all of the classes I want in History are full and closed...).  So really, today I only have one class (this is very exciting).  I woke up, had some breakfast while looking at the view from my living room window (which, if you haven't seen, is amazing!); then I showered and headed for the Spa (yes the Spa at 8:30am...but not for a massage... it's time for the bi-monthly waxing - soooo smooth ;).  After the waxing I hopped on the bus and headed to school.  So there I am, sitting on Translink and listening to my iPod, and enjoying the morning (I really am a morning person).  It reminded me of all the amazing mornings I had at Qwanoes; sitting in the office doorway, reading my Bible, spending time enjoying the time the Lord had given to spend with him in such an incredible place (not at camp but in that doorway, with that view).  Sitting in the doorway - that is my liminal space - the space of transition from the everyday to supernatural day.  I was also reminded of what I was created for, and this is where the small but exciting inspiration comes in.  It's nothing spectacular, but something that I needed to be reminded of in relation to my last post.  I was created to serve my Lord!  Simple I know, but something I think I have lost sight of.  It's not so much about what I am to do with my life, it's knowing that I was created for HIM!  What an amazing re-realization.

The best way to put how I have felt lately is, OUT OF TUNE.  Does that make sense.  My life has been out of tune.  Still playing the right song, still living right, but out of tune.  I had lost my ear for the Lord.  I had stopped tuning my life to what I was created for.  Looking back over the last two years I think that I started going out of tune a long time ago.  Instead of serving the Lord, I started serving men, which obviously led to disappointment with my life.  I often questioned why I had gone from being so content and excited about what I was doing to being so disillusioned and frustrated.  I think the key was that I had gone out of tune by serving man rather than the Lord.  

So what now?  It's time to get back in tune.  I just need to figure out how.

I know that some of you have been praying for me... Thank you!  Please keep praying!

"No greater Joy, is there than this, to know for what we're meant to live.  To hold your hand, and touch your face, to find ourselves in loves embrace!"  Starfield

Inspiration...where is it

Do you ever get lost in what your doing and forget why? Do you ever lose sight of why you're here? Do you ever feel like you will never "arrive"?

I want to be inspired, but more than that I want to feel like I can do anything, feel like all my dreams can come true. I don't want to feel like I'm settling, I don't want to feel like this is all there is.

I think most of us face those questions of life - will I ever not worry about money? will I ever be content with what I'm doing? will I ever feel fulfilled?

I also know that some people find the answer to there questions.., but how? What is it that allows us to find contentment in our financial, work and life situations? When I look at life all I can see right now is that I am in school, I go to church, and I work at a job that more days than not I would rather not be doing. I see that in the future I will be teaching, going to church, and attempting to save enough money to buy a little house or go on the next vacation to escape the motions of every day life. BUT, there is more than that, I know there is and I feel like I've lost sight of what that is. Is it because i'm not in ministry? Is there something wrong in my relationship with Christ? am I missing something? Am I lacking trust? Am I too wrapped up in getting to the next stage in life? Probably all of the above. BUt why? Why have I allowed myself to slip into this monotony?

I want to start living life again, I don't want to be living for tomorrow. Problem is.... I don't know how. Right now I spend more time dissapointed, whining, and complaining and not enough time being thankful, enjoying the moment and appreciating what is good.

M first iMovie

Technology - it can be a necessary evil or a joy depending on how well you can adapt and learn.  Fortunately for me I have a number of friends that have helped me along the way as I have taken up the task of learning new things and how to use new formats of communication.

Yesterday, Brandon introduced me to the wonders of using iMovie on my mac.  Though my final product was relatively simplistic, I had great joy in the process of putting it together.  It's amazing what you can do with a computer and a brain.... ahah...

If you are interested in viewing my latest assignment (For Communications and Mass Media), check it out on youtube.  

www.youtube.com/watch?v=buV0B6tZNZ4

It's a Creative Commentary on Asian Men in Film and Television... done in a slide format with a music background... (yes I know that the credit for the song in the background is wrong... i changed it last minute and forgot to change the credit.)

Cheers...

Not created to for self esteem... created to have God-esteem... hmm that's something to think about.

Topsyturveydom

Never been more homesick than now....

You know on the outside everything looks pretty hunky dory with my life.  It's not.  Nothing is new, nothing has changed, I struggle as usual.  There are days that are amazing, and I feel on top of the world, and then there are days like today where I feel down and out.  There are one or two more changes in my life that I need to make, but am feeling as though I just can't make them.  I hate that.  Will those changes make life better?  or is that even the right question to be asking?  Is a better question, will those two changes make my life more "right".   In the eyes of some, absolutely, in the eyes of others absolutely not.  Which is right?  I am a lucky person, sometimes only by association, but lucky nonetheless, and yet tormented by my inner self.  The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.  How true!

Have you seen my new apartment? It's amazing!  Have you met my friends?  They are amazing!  I have a job...in this market that is amazing!  There are people that care deeply about me...that is amazing!  So what's wrong?  There is something.  or Is it just me?

Soul Struggle

"A reflection of you I long to be, so your kingdom I will seek, and I surrender to your throne..."

What does it mean to surrender?  I know what it means to be obedient.  But there is a vast difference between the two.  This is the lesson that I am learning right now.  I think in some ways it is easier to be obedient when you are first surrendered.  BUT...  how do I surrender all?

I met with a friend recently who noticed that there was a lack of passion in my life.  Why is that?  I have simply followed the logical path?  Or am I on a path that will lead to a passionate life?  I don't need to be happy, but I want to be able to say that there is passion.  My friend said that the light she has seen in me in the past was dim.  That hurts.  But, it's true.  Why?  Out of the past year, I am more on track with God, more involved in my church, more excited about church, and more purposeful in how I live life, but there is this lack of passion.  She also challenged me to really converse with God as to where he wants me to be.  I think it has been a long time since I really asked him where HE wants me to be.  I've attempted to follow him to where he wants me, but I have failed to ASK what he wants, and failed even greater at listening.

I am learning to let go of the will that I so long to control.  I struggle.

Confusing Times

I don't always understand the way God works, but I am beginning to realize that this doesn't matter.  I am a rash, hormonal, passionate person that really needs to take more time to reflect and review before making decisions.  This seems to be one of the greatest difficulties in my life.

I wish that my life looked perfect. BUT, knowing that I am human and that I am a sinful person dictates that it won't be.  I am to pursue righteousness and holiness, but I will screw up.  I am covered by the blood of Christ.  

This past week I have been reading in my personal time through the book of Matthew and in church we have been going through Ecclesiastes... it's amazing to me how God uses those times to direct and challenge me and how these times oddly connect together and enable me to have a greater perspective.  

This is a jumble of a blog post.... but it's my random thoughts of today.

Why is it... 

The most important relationship in my life is my life with Christ.

Then Why is it that I have neglected it the most throughout my life?

We know what's unhealthy for us in terms of diet, relationships, etc.

Then Why is it we subject ourselves to those unhealthy things anyways?

We say that money is not the most important thing.

Then Why is that when people ask us how we are doing we respond most often in regards to our financial situation (or some deviation of it)?