Merry Christmas

It's Christmas time in the city! And I love it! I miss Camp in a lot of ways...but we all knew I would to some degree. I think what I miss most is the community, there are a good number of people at Qwanoes who I dearly love and care for... I hope that they all have an incredible Christmas... I also am so thankful for my friends and family here on the mainland. Christmas is an incredible time and it is so great to have so many awesome people in my life. One of the realizations that I continually come to is that I am a very selfish and self-centred person, perhaps this is why relationships are so hard for me. Ya think?

Cactus Club has been good, I have mostly enjoyed being back and was welcomed back in a great way... It's always nice to feel wanted and appreciated! I have also met so many new people in Vancouver, incredible and wonderful people! I am still very excited about this new chapter and although I am nervous about going back to school, I know it will be good. As new pages are written and new people enter into my life, my only hope is that others will continue on this journey with me and want to share life, because that's what its all about... life together.

I grew a Beard...

So for many this month is called No-Shave November. Now since I am starting back at Cactus on Monday I have not been able to share fully in this event, however I stopped shaving the last week of October and shaved yesterday. So that gave me a solid three weeks of growth on my face. I don't think it is the worst beard ever, however I still don't think it suits me... but for those that are even remotely interested to see what an Asian looks like with facial hair... here ya go!

If you ask me... I look a lot less Asian with facial hair...

Heading on Out!

Well... I'm all packed and ready to move... all I need now is for my dad to come over with the Truck, load 'er up and off to the city I go. It has been 4 years since I last lived in Vancouver and I am both excited and nervous. There are a number of things to look forward to including but not limited to my new Church Pacific Church, going through the counseling program, friends that live in the city (the last time I lived downtown no one else did) which includes tea with Keira, work... yes I am actually excited to serve.. although it has been a few years and they aren't going to put me through any re-training and i have a new computer system to learn monday morning before my first shift at 11am....i am still excited... i will actually have a bit of money to put towards school and savings at the same time... I hope ;), I am also looking forward to being near my nephew and family, as well as bowling and whitespot with old friends... But with change there is always a sense of nervousness. What will the future hold? How will this time be different? Will I be content? Will I return to Camp? or is this it?

I really do think that although there are going to be a number of familiar things to moving back to the city, that I will be facing a whole new chapter in life.

Did I mention that the best part of being back on the mainland is friends and family... I am so excited! More and more I think I am becomming more like my parents in that I am realizing the importance and comfort of family. I love them! I love you!

I move...tomorrow!

My Throat is Sore

I have a cold. You know how most times when you have a cold you really want it to go away? Well this time I don't really feel that way. I actually like to feel really sick so that I can have an excuse to go home, make some tea, curl up in a blanket and watch a sappy movie and maybe cry a little. Yup that's how I feel.

I love country music. Especially Rascal Flatts... they warm my heart.

I've blown my nose like 20 times already today and its only 9:30am.

I miss my married friends.

"Life is a series of collissions with the future" What does my future hold? Does it really matter? I need to be more engaged with the present!

What a random post... It must be all the snot in my head!

The Unqualified Blogger

I really do enjoy reading other peoples blogs... It amazes me at how articulate some of my friends. I have been challenged lately in so many ways as to how melodramatic I am... Sheesh... if I can't be melodramatic in writing watch out cause it will come out in action. (even more so than it does already). What else am I going to write about if its not my melodramatic rantings? My life is rather boring in all perspectives and anything that might be interesting is only so because of the people in my life. So despite what some people might say, if I feel like writing out my emotions, thoughts and rants than I will. If it bothers you then don't read it.

On a lighter note... It's Juniors Retreat. I love these kids! It's funny though, because I am realizing that Camp really is coming to an end in a way for me. Not only am I realizing that I more than likely will not be here next summer, I am realizin I am okay with that. Yes there are parts of me that long to be here, to be a part of the "magic" that is camp, to share in some amazing relationships etc, but all in all, I am ready to move onto the next phase of my life. It is truly a surreal experience. I am so thankful for the opportunities that I have had at Camp Qwanoes and the friendships that I have made here. I also know that I will never be completely separated from camp and that in some way I will always be involved. Camp holds endless memories, shared experiences, lessons learned, and so much more. I really "heart" Camp Q. As I watch these little Juniors and watch the counselors that interact with them I realize more and more that I love seeing people excel, I love seeing people rise to the occassion, and I love encouraging them in the roles they have to play. What an incredible opportunity I have had to serve in this place. What a blessing it has been to know the people that I have known.

Now, it's time to pack. Time to move to the next step. Time to enter into a new chapter. Time to forge new roads. What lies ahead? As cliche as it is... Only Time will tell :)

Ferry Rides

Have you ever been on a Ferry and your mind starts to "go"... not go in terms of losing it but just go as into overdrive. That's what happened to me yesterday as I Ferried back to the Island after spending time on the mainland. Why can't I be happy? That's where it started. I think I know what I want but when I have it I don't want it anymore. Any faith beleive Christian would tell you that's because God wants whats best for you and that it's not until you align your "will" with His that you will be satisfied. As much as I agree with that, I think there is more to it than that. I think part of the problem is that we all carry baggage that to some degree distort what we believe we want or what is real and true. As I looked out the window sitting at the back of the ferry and watched Tsawwassen dissappear into the night I noticed my reflection in the window. A reflection that was distorted. Yes, I could see me fairly clearly and those around me, but everything to some degree was distorted. I think this is truly how we see life. It's distorted. How can we truly know what we want when we can't fully see who we are? That's why we need to align ourselves to Christ. Because HE can see us for who we truly and fully are. Therefore, HE knows what's best. He sees past our baggage, he sees past our frailties, and he even sees beyond what we think of ourselves.

That said...

I have come to a few conclusions about myself...

As much as I want to be in a meaningful long term relationship I can't handle one. There are many contributing factors to this, but I think the two largest are that what is supposed to be the most important relationship in my life is pretty screwed up right now (Christ and I), from which so many other issues arise, and I don't like "me" very much so why would anyone else. When I say I don't like me, I mean I havn't been able to understand why I make some of the decisions that I make or why I have pursued the things the things that I have. I have left myself questionning what it means to be Ryan. Past what everyone else thinks, or even what I think... WHO is Ryan... not Ryan from the City, not Ryan from Camp, not Ryan a member of the network, not Ryan who lives with same sex attraction, not Ryan the Christ follower, but RYAN... who am I apart from these things? I get this nagging feeling that there is more to life than what I am living now, but I have no idea what that could be. I must believe that life is more.

I wish Christ would clear my eyes and allow me to see a glimpse of the undistored version of who I am.

I'm tired of chasing after nothing. Let me chase after something of worth.

That was my ferry ride.

Upon Reflection

I am an incredibley jealous person. I have been reading my friends blogs lately and seeing where their lives have taken them and what they are doing... how "peppy" they are and how much they love buying bananas... and I find myself wishing that I was where they are. This blog seems to be incredibley negative all the time, with me only ranting. Well... I am going to put a stop to it. At least I am going to try.

Vancouver... things are falling into place. I have an apartment on Barclay Street in the West End, I have a job secured, and I am in process with SFU to once again be a student. It's time to "grow up"... not that I'm not grown up, but I am at a place where I want to settle a bit and though that is a frightening prospect I am also very excited about not having to relocate and examine life every 6 months. I am excited that I can get involved in a church, be who I am to the full degree and not be ashamed of anything in my life that I shouldn't be ashamed of. It's time to move of the ride I'm on (since it stopped) and get on a new one.. Maybe I will try Splash Mountain...teehee...

Let's Go... what are you waiting for? Seems funny that this was the theme for the past summer... It seems to be ringing true in my life. I'm going... not what I expected but welcomed at the same time!

UP and OUT

So... My official last full time day is October 31 and my last part time day is November 14. Weird. It's like an era of my life is coming to an end. I know that as much as I would want to return to camp next summer I probably won't. There are a few things that would keep me from coming back...mostly having to do with me and nothing having to do with the camp itself.

IN other news I am looking at an apartment on Monday and talking with Cactus as well. I am also meeting up with a friend and hanging out after Sunday's Thanksgiving festivities.

Life seems like it is moving a mile a minute and at the same time moving as slow as molasses!
Have you ever wanted something so much that it hurts and then you basically get it and wonder if it's what you really want? Basically life is annoying. But we move on and we continue living because what else would we do. It is a pretty crazy adventure and I want to see what happens as painful or frustrating as it can be. Why is it that we are always trying to please everyone or maintain the status quo? I am so sick and tired of being the person that people expect me to be but at the same time know that if I am who I am then people would look at me so differently... they would say stupid cliches like "wow he really took a fall", or "I can't believe that happened to him, how could he do that?", or maybe "we really need to pray for him". Frankly, people can pray all they want but unless they know what is going on in my heart and in my head they have no idea what they are praying for. Let me tell you about it, and don't just judge by what you see because you have no right! Judge yourself first. Oh.. and while I'm on that... sharing my story should be a good thing but why is it that some people have decided that I shouldn't ... i'll tell you why... it's because they are afraid that i'll rock the boat, that I'll challenge the norms that hey are used to... that's why, they are afraid of what they don't know. Well to them I say get over yourselves and start opening your eyes around you and the truth of what people are really experiencing.. good people, people that love God, people that serve him ... we are all messed up people, life would be so much easier if we would all recognize, admit and live together towards wholeness! That's my peace today.

RESIGNED

I did it. Scott Bayley has on his desk my resignation. I am done at Camp Qwanoes as of November 15, 2007. Though this may come as a shock, it shouldn't. It has been a long time coming. The question is... what now? I moving on, that's what's now. Moving on to the teacher life. But first... 3 years of school :( More studying... more working at Cactus... more time for relationships? not really sure on that front... More time to get counseling. YEs I am going to a counselor in January... at least that is the plan. I think the worst part is I have to move. I hate moving! So if you are inclined... I could use the help... more so in finding a place than anything. I would like to live in the downtown vancouver area and can spend about $800 a month.

In other news God and I will continue to dispute and struggle, but I am also going to relax a bit. I am going to step into new adventures and see what comes.

For those of you who haven't read my last Xanga...
I had a great talk with my sister last night. Sometimes I think God really knew what he was doing when he put us in the same family! She is pretty much amazing. God has gifted her in incredible ways... As blunt as she is, it's exactly what I need at certain points in my life.
As some know I have been considering going back to school in Sept 2008 to do up my BA and finish a Teaching Degree... I think its time to say goodbye to camp and walk into a new chapter in my life. A new chapter filled with some old stories... Back to Cactus (cause where else can I make that kind of cash in that short of time legally and morally), back to Harbour Dance (cause I need some sort of outlet), back to living downtown (cause let's face it...it's just too convenient)... and back to real days off. But the story is I am looking at going to SFU in Sept. 2008 and doing up this degree thing which means another 3 years in school... but more likely 5 years in school at a slower pace (so that I can work, go to school and live all at the same time). The worst part of it is moving and leaving behind things that I have started. I really do love camp, but I think I need to get moving in another direction.
My sister mentioned that my life is a dichotomy of two lives (Camp Ryan and City Ryan)... and really the two have a hard time co-existing. So the new Ryan.... the real Ryan is about to be discovered... in which I am sure there will be elements of both Camp and City Ryan's. To be honest...change scares me. And maybe that is why it has taken me so long to move on.

The RESCUE

Okay so I am completely a Romantic Novel cheesey kind of person in my head. Yes it's true... I like teenage romance movies like Sydney White (and yes I saw it in the theatre)... I also like Johnathan Sparks (A Walk to Remember, The Rescue, The Notebook)... In fact I just finished the Rescue and I have decided that I have a split personality that personifies the two main characters Taylor and Denise... on one hand I am distant, troubled, lieing to myself and alone... on the other hand I allow my emotions to overwhelm me when I try to keep them under guard, I overanalyze every little situation but again I am alone.

Do I like being alone... I always say no...Do I mind being alone... I usually say no... So... the question is am I being honest with myself? I am lonely... it's true. I try and tell myself that I'm not, that I'm perfectly fine on my own, that I don't need anyone else and yet at the very truth of the matter I am dead afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. Problem is.. I don't know how to change in order to stop pushing people away and to allow them to enter into my world. It seems as though (just like Taylor) I push people away as soon as we start getting close... Why is that? I admit that I am afraid of committment.... but I'm not sure if that is all of it... IN fact I think there is a lot more to it... I just havn't been able to pin point what that is... Hmmm... Life is a mess.

So totally Messed up!

In so many ways I want to move back to the city and change some things in my life. What keeps me from going... work... stupid really. I worry about the interns and how it will affect them because I was working really hard to make the internship program at the camp better and now I'm giving it over to someone else and I don't even know who that someone is... Hiring...and recruitment... I have already had significant contact with staff for next summer and I don't want them to be forgotten... Past and future staff... counselors and the HCT... I'm afraid that if I do leave that I won't be back next summer and I really want to... but I don't really see how it is feasible...

So why do I want to move to the city? I love the city... I love all that it has to offer... I want to be able to have a day off and actually enjoy day off instead of having someone come find me to get to me do something when I would rather sit on my couch curl up and watch a movie.

I am frickin 28 and I really long for intimacy. I want that comfort, can you blame me? And Camp just does not foster the ability to have a healthy relationship... I don't care that people think you can "make it work"... camp is not the best place... it's like I'm in a relationship with camp in a way that makes very little room for anyone else. It asks you to miss weddings, birthdays, holidays, to work when you deserve a rest, never leaves you because you can't really leave it and expects you to do all of this with a positive attitude. Ridiculous!

I'm selfish... what can I say. I want more.

A NEW Adventure...

Look out world 'cause here comes Ryan UNCENSORED... not that there is anything extreme in this blog, but it is going to allow readers into spaces of my brain that I would normally keep under lock and key. Why would I do such a thing? Let's just say that it is theraputic and healthy and leave it at that. I will put out a new post very soon.. but for now just keep your eyes open!