Thoughts from Utah

"So then...each of us will give an account of himself to God" Romans 14:12

Do you know what follows this verse?

"Therefore, let us stop passing judgment on one another."

Funny how we have forgotten that!

I have been overwhelmed lately by an incredible love for Christ, a passionate desire to worship him and share him with others in an intimate, caring, and honest way. I have a deep longing to see those I love come to know Christ. But they need to see him first through me first. How does my life reflect Christ today?

I'm reading Nel Noddings book The Challenge to Care in Schools, and I have found so much of it resonating with me on a personal level as I reflect on my life and my interactions with people. Nodding's discusses a lot about the Ethic of Care; to approach school with care as the central focus rather than curriculum. Do I approach my life and my relationships with care as the focus rather than the end goal? That is, do I love people for the sake of loving people rather than for what it does for me?

This weekend/week I am in Utah visiting friends and it is a gorgeous state! One of my friends roommates is struggling with his beliefs and has given himself three months to decide what to do. He is Mormon - how do I direct him to truth in Love for the sake of love and not for the sake of directing him to the truth. Is it out of love that I desire to direct him to the truth? or something else?

To be an Encourager

I think each of us has been called to something in this life... the question is what? I don't blog very often, so obviously I have not been called to be a blogger ;) I have spent copious amounts of time in university, working in ministry and taking orders at a restaurant, but I was not called to do all of these things. They were just things that I did. Today I was riding the bus to yet another day at university and was overwhelmed with the fact that I need to be in ministry. The big question is how? I am a teacher. I am an encourager. I feel most fulfilled when those two things come together. Two weekends ago I was so blessed. I had the amazing opportunity if attending a conference for Gay Christians. I was brought to tears during times of worship, recognizing that there were people in this room from every branch of Christianity - Catholic, Orthodox, Lutheran, United, Baptist, etc. These people have been hurt by the church, hurt by their families, mangled by those they called friends, but through it all, they were still here not judging one another for varying theologies, but worshiping together, praising their Lord together, and being Christ to one another. I saw love, unconditional love, inspirational love at work. I want to see more of that. I want to be an encourager I want to be a lover. I want to spread love - to leave a legacy of love. I want to encourage others to love like that.

I want to encourage other Gay Christians - I want them to know that they are not alone, that they, like so many others, Love Jesus and want to know him more. I want to challenge them in their walks, to not sit and watch the world pass them by as they grow frustrated and bitter, but to pursue Christ with all that they are. In all of their hurt, in all of their fears. I want to encourage them to know Christ. To know the love that I experienced at this conference. I want them to experience that love. I want the church to show that love.

Normal?

What's normal?

I often have said that I want to be normal.  I just want to be one of the guys.  Be able to relate to people unlike the way I do now.  Part of what makes me who I am though is the way I relate to people and it has served me fairly well up until now.  I can see things, understand things, and hear things differently than other guys.  Because of this I treat people differently than many guys.  BUT...  sometimes I feel it holds me back from being able to have more meaningful friendships with guys.  Something that is hugely lacking in my life.  My closest male friends live 300+ km away.  I want to be a normal guy.  But, it seems, that is just not in the cards for me.  

I'm just not normal.  

Then again... who is.

Caught in a jungle,

no sight of the other side,

trapped by the vines of life,

struggling to be free,

maybe all I need to do is release,

stop fighting,

and then a vision will come, 

a breath of fresh air,

light through the denseness,

hope to grasp.

How do I stop envying people?  I don't need a lot of material things, I don't need fame, I just want a few answers to life. My life.

I need to overcome complacency.  

Fill me with passion, fill me with vision, fill me with courage, help me to listen, help me to hear, help me to be.

Discernment

I was challenged today...  then again I am challenged pretty much every Sunday at church... 

How do you discern the voice of God from all the other expectations, voices and influences around you - family, friends, personal, denomination, work, etc?

Have I thought I was hearing from God when really it was the expectations of others?

There is something that has been weighing on me for a while now, but is it the Spirit of God or myself? or others expectations?

Trusting God

I want a family.  I want to get married, have 2.5 kids, have family dinners, holiday celebrations etc.  

But at this point I can't.  I am physically not really attracted to women.  HOW do I trust God to fulfill those types of needs?  I am 30.  Most of my friends are married or close to it.  It's not a crazy desire, except for the fact that I just don't understand how it could be possible.  I wish it were different.  Do I have to simply resign myself to the fact that I will never be married and have a family?  Who would chance a relationship with me?  Seriously... so life isn't fair... I get that... but really... this... this is completely outrageously unfair.  

HOW am I supposed to trust God with this one?  I think this is the only area I have a hard time trusting God, but it affects so much of my relationship with him and with others.

Inspiration Part II

It's awesome how some days are filled with new inspiration, even if that inspiration is small. I woke up today to sunshine (which always helps the day).  Knowing that it is my registration day and that my registration time started in the middle of class I have decided to skip my class this afternoon and ensure that I can at least get one of the classes that I want for next semester (apparently all of the classes I want in History are full and closed...).  So really, today I only have one class (this is very exciting).  I woke up, had some breakfast while looking at the view from my living room window (which, if you haven't seen, is amazing!); then I showered and headed for the Spa (yes the Spa at 8:30am...but not for a massage... it's time for the bi-monthly waxing - soooo smooth ;).  After the waxing I hopped on the bus and headed to school.  So there I am, sitting on Translink and listening to my iPod, and enjoying the morning (I really am a morning person).  It reminded me of all the amazing mornings I had at Qwanoes; sitting in the office doorway, reading my Bible, spending time enjoying the time the Lord had given to spend with him in such an incredible place (not at camp but in that doorway, with that view).  Sitting in the doorway - that is my liminal space - the space of transition from the everyday to supernatural day.  I was also reminded of what I was created for, and this is where the small but exciting inspiration comes in.  It's nothing spectacular, but something that I needed to be reminded of in relation to my last post.  I was created to serve my Lord!  Simple I know, but something I think I have lost sight of.  It's not so much about what I am to do with my life, it's knowing that I was created for HIM!  What an amazing re-realization.

The best way to put how I have felt lately is, OUT OF TUNE.  Does that make sense.  My life has been out of tune.  Still playing the right song, still living right, but out of tune.  I had lost my ear for the Lord.  I had stopped tuning my life to what I was created for.  Looking back over the last two years I think that I started going out of tune a long time ago.  Instead of serving the Lord, I started serving men, which obviously led to disappointment with my life.  I often questioned why I had gone from being so content and excited about what I was doing to being so disillusioned and frustrated.  I think the key was that I had gone out of tune by serving man rather than the Lord.  

So what now?  It's time to get back in tune.  I just need to figure out how.

I know that some of you have been praying for me... Thank you!  Please keep praying!

"No greater Joy, is there than this, to know for what we're meant to live.  To hold your hand, and touch your face, to find ourselves in loves embrace!"  Starfield

Inspiration...where is it

Do you ever get lost in what your doing and forget why? Do you ever lose sight of why you're here? Do you ever feel like you will never "arrive"?

I want to be inspired, but more than that I want to feel like I can do anything, feel like all my dreams can come true. I don't want to feel like I'm settling, I don't want to feel like this is all there is.

I think most of us face those questions of life - will I ever not worry about money? will I ever be content with what I'm doing? will I ever feel fulfilled?

I also know that some people find the answer to there questions.., but how? What is it that allows us to find contentment in our financial, work and life situations? When I look at life all I can see right now is that I am in school, I go to church, and I work at a job that more days than not I would rather not be doing. I see that in the future I will be teaching, going to church, and attempting to save enough money to buy a little house or go on the next vacation to escape the motions of every day life. BUT, there is more than that, I know there is and I feel like I've lost sight of what that is. Is it because i'm not in ministry? Is there something wrong in my relationship with Christ? am I missing something? Am I lacking trust? Am I too wrapped up in getting to the next stage in life? Probably all of the above. BUt why? Why have I allowed myself to slip into this monotony?

I want to start living life again, I don't want to be living for tomorrow. Problem is.... I don't know how. Right now I spend more time dissapointed, whining, and complaining and not enough time being thankful, enjoying the moment and appreciating what is good.