Ferry Rides

Have you ever been on a Ferry and your mind starts to "go"... not go in terms of losing it but just go as into overdrive. That's what happened to me yesterday as I Ferried back to the Island after spending time on the mainland. Why can't I be happy? That's where it started. I think I know what I want but when I have it I don't want it anymore. Any faith beleive Christian would tell you that's because God wants whats best for you and that it's not until you align your "will" with His that you will be satisfied. As much as I agree with that, I think there is more to it than that. I think part of the problem is that we all carry baggage that to some degree distort what we believe we want or what is real and true. As I looked out the window sitting at the back of the ferry and watched Tsawwassen dissappear into the night I noticed my reflection in the window. A reflection that was distorted. Yes, I could see me fairly clearly and those around me, but everything to some degree was distorted. I think this is truly how we see life. It's distorted. How can we truly know what we want when we can't fully see who we are? That's why we need to align ourselves to Christ. Because HE can see us for who we truly and fully are. Therefore, HE knows what's best. He sees past our baggage, he sees past our frailties, and he even sees beyond what we think of ourselves.

That said...

I have come to a few conclusions about myself...

As much as I want to be in a meaningful long term relationship I can't handle one. There are many contributing factors to this, but I think the two largest are that what is supposed to be the most important relationship in my life is pretty screwed up right now (Christ and I), from which so many other issues arise, and I don't like "me" very much so why would anyone else. When I say I don't like me, I mean I havn't been able to understand why I make some of the decisions that I make or why I have pursued the things the things that I have. I have left myself questionning what it means to be Ryan. Past what everyone else thinks, or even what I think... WHO is Ryan... not Ryan from the City, not Ryan from Camp, not Ryan a member of the network, not Ryan who lives with same sex attraction, not Ryan the Christ follower, but RYAN... who am I apart from these things? I get this nagging feeling that there is more to life than what I am living now, but I have no idea what that could be. I must believe that life is more.

I wish Christ would clear my eyes and allow me to see a glimpse of the undistored version of who I am.

I'm tired of chasing after nothing. Let me chase after something of worth.

That was my ferry ride.