Merry Christmas

It's Christmas time in the city! And I love it! I miss Camp in a lot of ways...but we all knew I would to some degree. I think what I miss most is the community, there are a good number of people at Qwanoes who I dearly love and care for... I hope that they all have an incredible Christmas... I also am so thankful for my friends and family here on the mainland. Christmas is an incredible time and it is so great to have so many awesome people in my life. One of the realizations that I continually come to is that I am a very selfish and self-centred person, perhaps this is why relationships are so hard for me. Ya think?

Cactus Club has been good, I have mostly enjoyed being back and was welcomed back in a great way... It's always nice to feel wanted and appreciated! I have also met so many new people in Vancouver, incredible and wonderful people! I am still very excited about this new chapter and although I am nervous about going back to school, I know it will be good. As new pages are written and new people enter into my life, my only hope is that others will continue on this journey with me and want to share life, because that's what its all about... life together.

I grew a Beard...

So for many this month is called No-Shave November. Now since I am starting back at Cactus on Monday I have not been able to share fully in this event, however I stopped shaving the last week of October and shaved yesterday. So that gave me a solid three weeks of growth on my face. I don't think it is the worst beard ever, however I still don't think it suits me... but for those that are even remotely interested to see what an Asian looks like with facial hair... here ya go!

If you ask me... I look a lot less Asian with facial hair...

Heading on Out!

Well... I'm all packed and ready to move... all I need now is for my dad to come over with the Truck, load 'er up and off to the city I go. It has been 4 years since I last lived in Vancouver and I am both excited and nervous. There are a number of things to look forward to including but not limited to my new Church Pacific Church, going through the counseling program, friends that live in the city (the last time I lived downtown no one else did) which includes tea with Keira, work... yes I am actually excited to serve.. although it has been a few years and they aren't going to put me through any re-training and i have a new computer system to learn monday morning before my first shift at 11am....i am still excited... i will actually have a bit of money to put towards school and savings at the same time... I hope ;), I am also looking forward to being near my nephew and family, as well as bowling and whitespot with old friends... But with change there is always a sense of nervousness. What will the future hold? How will this time be different? Will I be content? Will I return to Camp? or is this it?

I really do think that although there are going to be a number of familiar things to moving back to the city, that I will be facing a whole new chapter in life.

Did I mention that the best part of being back on the mainland is friends and family... I am so excited! More and more I think I am becomming more like my parents in that I am realizing the importance and comfort of family. I love them! I love you!

I move...tomorrow!

My Throat is Sore

I have a cold. You know how most times when you have a cold you really want it to go away? Well this time I don't really feel that way. I actually like to feel really sick so that I can have an excuse to go home, make some tea, curl up in a blanket and watch a sappy movie and maybe cry a little. Yup that's how I feel.

I love country music. Especially Rascal Flatts... they warm my heart.

I've blown my nose like 20 times already today and its only 9:30am.

I miss my married friends.

"Life is a series of collissions with the future" What does my future hold? Does it really matter? I need to be more engaged with the present!

What a random post... It must be all the snot in my head!

The Unqualified Blogger

I really do enjoy reading other peoples blogs... It amazes me at how articulate some of my friends. I have been challenged lately in so many ways as to how melodramatic I am... Sheesh... if I can't be melodramatic in writing watch out cause it will come out in action. (even more so than it does already). What else am I going to write about if its not my melodramatic rantings? My life is rather boring in all perspectives and anything that might be interesting is only so because of the people in my life. So despite what some people might say, if I feel like writing out my emotions, thoughts and rants than I will. If it bothers you then don't read it.

On a lighter note... It's Juniors Retreat. I love these kids! It's funny though, because I am realizing that Camp really is coming to an end in a way for me. Not only am I realizing that I more than likely will not be here next summer, I am realizin I am okay with that. Yes there are parts of me that long to be here, to be a part of the "magic" that is camp, to share in some amazing relationships etc, but all in all, I am ready to move onto the next phase of my life. It is truly a surreal experience. I am so thankful for the opportunities that I have had at Camp Qwanoes and the friendships that I have made here. I also know that I will never be completely separated from camp and that in some way I will always be involved. Camp holds endless memories, shared experiences, lessons learned, and so much more. I really "heart" Camp Q. As I watch these little Juniors and watch the counselors that interact with them I realize more and more that I love seeing people excel, I love seeing people rise to the occassion, and I love encouraging them in the roles they have to play. What an incredible opportunity I have had to serve in this place. What a blessing it has been to know the people that I have known.

Now, it's time to pack. Time to move to the next step. Time to enter into a new chapter. Time to forge new roads. What lies ahead? As cliche as it is... Only Time will tell :)

Ferry Rides

Have you ever been on a Ferry and your mind starts to "go"... not go in terms of losing it but just go as into overdrive. That's what happened to me yesterday as I Ferried back to the Island after spending time on the mainland. Why can't I be happy? That's where it started. I think I know what I want but when I have it I don't want it anymore. Any faith beleive Christian would tell you that's because God wants whats best for you and that it's not until you align your "will" with His that you will be satisfied. As much as I agree with that, I think there is more to it than that. I think part of the problem is that we all carry baggage that to some degree distort what we believe we want or what is real and true. As I looked out the window sitting at the back of the ferry and watched Tsawwassen dissappear into the night I noticed my reflection in the window. A reflection that was distorted. Yes, I could see me fairly clearly and those around me, but everything to some degree was distorted. I think this is truly how we see life. It's distorted. How can we truly know what we want when we can't fully see who we are? That's why we need to align ourselves to Christ. Because HE can see us for who we truly and fully are. Therefore, HE knows what's best. He sees past our baggage, he sees past our frailties, and he even sees beyond what we think of ourselves.

That said...

I have come to a few conclusions about myself...

As much as I want to be in a meaningful long term relationship I can't handle one. There are many contributing factors to this, but I think the two largest are that what is supposed to be the most important relationship in my life is pretty screwed up right now (Christ and I), from which so many other issues arise, and I don't like "me" very much so why would anyone else. When I say I don't like me, I mean I havn't been able to understand why I make some of the decisions that I make or why I have pursued the things the things that I have. I have left myself questionning what it means to be Ryan. Past what everyone else thinks, or even what I think... WHO is Ryan... not Ryan from the City, not Ryan from Camp, not Ryan a member of the network, not Ryan who lives with same sex attraction, not Ryan the Christ follower, but RYAN... who am I apart from these things? I get this nagging feeling that there is more to life than what I am living now, but I have no idea what that could be. I must believe that life is more.

I wish Christ would clear my eyes and allow me to see a glimpse of the undistored version of who I am.

I'm tired of chasing after nothing. Let me chase after something of worth.

That was my ferry ride.

Upon Reflection

I am an incredibley jealous person. I have been reading my friends blogs lately and seeing where their lives have taken them and what they are doing... how "peppy" they are and how much they love buying bananas... and I find myself wishing that I was where they are. This blog seems to be incredibley negative all the time, with me only ranting. Well... I am going to put a stop to it. At least I am going to try.

Vancouver... things are falling into place. I have an apartment on Barclay Street in the West End, I have a job secured, and I am in process with SFU to once again be a student. It's time to "grow up"... not that I'm not grown up, but I am at a place where I want to settle a bit and though that is a frightening prospect I am also very excited about not having to relocate and examine life every 6 months. I am excited that I can get involved in a church, be who I am to the full degree and not be ashamed of anything in my life that I shouldn't be ashamed of. It's time to move of the ride I'm on (since it stopped) and get on a new one.. Maybe I will try Splash Mountain...teehee...

Let's Go... what are you waiting for? Seems funny that this was the theme for the past summer... It seems to be ringing true in my life. I'm going... not what I expected but welcomed at the same time!