Not created to for self esteem... created to have God-esteem... hmm that's something to think about.

Topsyturveydom

Never been more homesick than now....

You know on the outside everything looks pretty hunky dory with my life.  It's not.  Nothing is new, nothing has changed, I struggle as usual.  There are days that are amazing, and I feel on top of the world, and then there are days like today where I feel down and out.  There are one or two more changes in my life that I need to make, but am feeling as though I just can't make them.  I hate that.  Will those changes make life better?  or is that even the right question to be asking?  Is a better question, will those two changes make my life more "right".   In the eyes of some, absolutely, in the eyes of others absolutely not.  Which is right?  I am a lucky person, sometimes only by association, but lucky nonetheless, and yet tormented by my inner self.  The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.  How true!

Have you seen my new apartment? It's amazing!  Have you met my friends?  They are amazing!  I have a job...in this market that is amazing!  There are people that care deeply about me...that is amazing!  So what's wrong?  There is something.  or Is it just me?

Soul Struggle

"A reflection of you I long to be, so your kingdom I will seek, and I surrender to your throne..."

What does it mean to surrender?  I know what it means to be obedient.  But there is a vast difference between the two.  This is the lesson that I am learning right now.  I think in some ways it is easier to be obedient when you are first surrendered.  BUT...  how do I surrender all?

I met with a friend recently who noticed that there was a lack of passion in my life.  Why is that?  I have simply followed the logical path?  Or am I on a path that will lead to a passionate life?  I don't need to be happy, but I want to be able to say that there is passion.  My friend said that the light she has seen in me in the past was dim.  That hurts.  But, it's true.  Why?  Out of the past year, I am more on track with God, more involved in my church, more excited about church, and more purposeful in how I live life, but there is this lack of passion.  She also challenged me to really converse with God as to where he wants me to be.  I think it has been a long time since I really asked him where HE wants me to be.  I've attempted to follow him to where he wants me, but I have failed to ASK what he wants, and failed even greater at listening.

I am learning to let go of the will that I so long to control.  I struggle.