The RESCUE

Okay so I am completely a Romantic Novel cheesey kind of person in my head. Yes it's true... I like teenage romance movies like Sydney White (and yes I saw it in the theatre)... I also like Johnathan Sparks (A Walk to Remember, The Rescue, The Notebook)... In fact I just finished the Rescue and I have decided that I have a split personality that personifies the two main characters Taylor and Denise... on one hand I am distant, troubled, lieing to myself and alone... on the other hand I allow my emotions to overwhelm me when I try to keep them under guard, I overanalyze every little situation but again I am alone.

Do I like being alone... I always say no...Do I mind being alone... I usually say no... So... the question is am I being honest with myself? I am lonely... it's true. I try and tell myself that I'm not, that I'm perfectly fine on my own, that I don't need anyone else and yet at the very truth of the matter I am dead afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. Problem is.. I don't know how to change in order to stop pushing people away and to allow them to enter into my world. It seems as though (just like Taylor) I push people away as soon as we start getting close... Why is that? I admit that I am afraid of committment.... but I'm not sure if that is all of it... IN fact I think there is a lot more to it... I just havn't been able to pin point what that is... Hmmm... Life is a mess.

So totally Messed up!

In so many ways I want to move back to the city and change some things in my life. What keeps me from going... work... stupid really. I worry about the interns and how it will affect them because I was working really hard to make the internship program at the camp better and now I'm giving it over to someone else and I don't even know who that someone is... Hiring...and recruitment... I have already had significant contact with staff for next summer and I don't want them to be forgotten... Past and future staff... counselors and the HCT... I'm afraid that if I do leave that I won't be back next summer and I really want to... but I don't really see how it is feasible...

So why do I want to move to the city? I love the city... I love all that it has to offer... I want to be able to have a day off and actually enjoy day off instead of having someone come find me to get to me do something when I would rather sit on my couch curl up and watch a movie.

I am frickin 28 and I really long for intimacy. I want that comfort, can you blame me? And Camp just does not foster the ability to have a healthy relationship... I don't care that people think you can "make it work"... camp is not the best place... it's like I'm in a relationship with camp in a way that makes very little room for anyone else. It asks you to miss weddings, birthdays, holidays, to work when you deserve a rest, never leaves you because you can't really leave it and expects you to do all of this with a positive attitude. Ridiculous!

I'm selfish... what can I say. I want more.

A NEW Adventure...

Look out world 'cause here comes Ryan UNCENSORED... not that there is anything extreme in this blog, but it is going to allow readers into spaces of my brain that I would normally keep under lock and key. Why would I do such a thing? Let's just say that it is theraputic and healthy and leave it at that. I will put out a new post very soon.. but for now just keep your eyes open!