Ryan...it's just me...

Thoughts from Utah

2011-02-12T09:26:00.000-08:00

"So then...each of us will give an account of himself to God" Romans 14:12

Do you know what follows this verse?

"Therefore, let us stop passing judgment on one another."

Funny how we have forgotten that!

I have been overwhelmed lately by an incredible love for Christ, a passionate desire to worship him and share him with others in an intimate, caring, and honest way. I have a deep longing to see those I love come to know Christ. But they need to see him first through me first. How does my life reflect Christ today?

I'm reading Nel Noddings book The Challenge to Care in Schools, and I have found so much of it resonating with me on a personal level as I reflect on my life and my interactions with people. Nodding's discusses a lot about the Ethic of Care; to approach school with care as the central focus rather than curriculum. Do I approach my life and my relationships with care as the focus rather than the end goal? That is, do I love people for the sake of loving people rather than for what it does for me?

This weekend/week I am in Utah visiting friends and it is a gorgeous state! One of my friends roommates is struggling with his beliefs and has given himself three months to decide what to do. He is Mormon - how do I direct him to truth in Love for the sake of love and not for the sake of directing him to the truth. Is it out of love that I desire to direct him to the truth? or something else?

To be an Encourager

2011-01-19T10:05:00.001-08:00

I think each of us has been called to something in this life... the question is what? I don't blog very often, so obviously I have not been called to be a blogger ;) I have spent copious amounts of time in university, working in ministry and taking orders at a restaurant, but I was not called to do all of these things. They were just things that I did. Today I was riding the bus to yet another day at university and was overwhelmed with the fact that I need to be in ministry. The big question is how? I am a teacher. I am an encourager. I feel most fulfilled when those two things come together. Two weekends ago I was so blessed. I had the amazing opportunity if attending a conference for Gay Christians. I was brought to tears during times of worship, recognizing that there were people in this room from every branch of Christianity - Catholic, Orthodox, Lutheran, United, Baptist, etc. These people have been hurt by the church, hurt by their families, mangled by those they called friends, but through it all, they were still here not judging one another for varying theologies, but worshiping together, praising their Lord together, and being Christ to one another. I saw love, unconditional love, inspirational love at work. I want to see more of that. I want to be an encourager I want to be a lover. I want to spread love - to leave a legacy of love. I want to encourage others to love like that.

I want to encourage other Gay Christians - I want them to know that they are not alone, that they, like so many others, Love Jesus and want to know him more. I want to challenge them in their walks, to not sit and watch the world pass them by as they grow frustrated and bitter, but to pursue Christ with all that they are. In all of their hurt, in all of their fears. I want to encourage them to know Christ. To know the love that I experienced at this conference. I want them to experience that love. I want the church to show that love.

Normal?

2009-10-13T15:31:00.000-07:00

What's normal?

I often have said that I want to be normal. I just want to be one of the guys. Be able to relate to people unlike the way I do now. Part of what makes me who I am though is the way I relate to people and it has served me fairly well up until now. I can see things, understand things, and hear things differently than other guys. Because of this I treat people differently than many guys. BUT... sometimes I feel it holds me back from being able to have more meaningful friendships with guys. Something that is hugely lacking in my life. My closest male friends live 300+ km away. I want to be a normal guy. But, it seems, that is just not in the cards for me.

I'm just not normal.

Then again... who is.

Caught in a jungle,

no sight of the other side,

trapped by the vines of life,

struggling to be free,

maybe all I need to do is release,

stop fighting,

and then a vision will come,

a breath of fresh air,

light through the denseness,

hope to grasp.

How do I stop envying people? I don't need a lot of material things, I don't need fame, I just want a few answers to life. My life.

I need to overcome complacency.

Fill me with passion, fill me with vision, fill me with courage, help me to listen, help me to hear, help me to be.

Discernment

2009-10-11T12:33:00.001-07:00

I was challenged today... then again I am challenged pretty much every Sunday at church...

How do you discern the voice of God from all the other expectations, voices and influences around you - family, friends, personal, denomination, work, etc?

Have I thought I was hearing from God when really it was the expectations of others?

There is something that has been weighing on me for a while now, but is it the Spirit of God or myself? or others expectations?

Trusting God

2009-09-10T10:09:00.000-07:00

I want a family. I want to get married, have 2.5 kids, have family dinners, holiday celebrations etc.

But at this point I can't. I am physically not really attracted to women. HOW do I trust God to fulfill those types of needs? I am 30. Most of my friends are married or close to it. It's not a crazy desire, except for the fact that I just don't understand how it could be possible. I wish it were different. Do I have to simply resign myself to the fact that I will never be married and have a family? Who would chance a relationship with me? Seriously... so life isn't fair... I get that... but really... this... this is completely outrageously unfair.

HOW am I supposed to trust God with this one? I think this is the only area I have a hard time trusting God, but it affects so much of my relationship with him and with others.

Inspiration Part II

2009-07-15T10:35:00.000-07:00

It's awesome how some days are filled with new inspiration, even if that inspiration is small. I woke up today to sunshine (which always helps the day). Knowing that it is my registration day and that my registration time started in the middle of class I have decided to skip my class this afternoon and ensure that I can at least get one of the classes that I want for next semester (apparently all of the classes I want in History are full and closed...). So really, today I only have one class (this is very exciting). I woke up, had some breakfast while looking at the view from my living room window (which, if you haven't seen, is amazing!); then I showered and headed for the Spa (yes the Spa at 8:30am...but not for a massage... it's time for the bi-monthly waxing - soooo smooth ;). After the waxing I hopped on the bus and headed to school. So there I am, sitting on Translink and listening to my iPod, and enjoying the morning (I really am a morning person). It reminded me of all the amazing mornings I had at Qwanoes; sitting in the office doorway, reading my Bible, spending time enjoying the time the Lord had given to spend with him in such an incredible place (not at camp but in that doorway, with that view). Sitting in the doorway - that is my liminal space - the space of transition from the everyday to supernatural day. I was also reminded of what I was created for, and this is where the small but exciting inspiration comes in. It's nothing spectacular, but something that I needed to be reminded of in relation to my last post. I was created to serve my Lord! Simple I know, but something I think I have lost sight of. It's not so much about what I am to do with my life, it's knowing that I was created for HIM! What an amazing re-realization.

The best way to put how I have felt lately is, OUT OF TUNE. Does that make sense. My life has been out of tune. Still playing the right song, still living right, but out of tune. I had lost my ear for the Lord. I had stopped tuning my life to what I was created for. Looking back over the last two years I think that I started going out of tune a long time ago. Instead of serving the Lord, I started serving men, which obviously led to disappointment with my life. I often questioned why I had gone from being so content and excited about what I was doing to being so disillusioned and frustrated. I think the key was that I had gone out of tune by serving man rather than the Lord.

So what now? It's time to get back in tune. I just need to figure out how.

I know that some of you have been praying for me... Thank you! Please keep praying!

"No greater Joy, is there than this, to know for what we're meant to live. To hold your hand, and touch your face, to find ourselves in loves embrace!" Starfield

Inspiration...where is it

2009-07-08T22:09:00.000-07:00

Do you ever get lost in what your doing and forget why? Do you ever lose sight of why you're here? Do you ever feel like you will never "arrive"?

I want to be inspired, but more than that I want to feel like I can do anything, feel like all my dreams can come true. I don't want to feel like I'm settling, I don't want to feel like this is all there is.

I think most of us face those questions of life - will I ever not worry about money? will I ever be content with what I'm doing? will I ever feel fulfilled?

I also know that some people find the answer to there questions.., but how? What is it that allows us to find contentment in our financial, work and life situations? When I look at life all I can see right now is that I am in school, I go to church, and I work at a job that more days than not I would rather not be doing. I see that in the future I will be teaching, going to church, and attempting to save enough money to buy a little house or go on the next vacation to escape the motions of every day life. BUT, there is more than that, I know there is and I feel like I've lost sight of what that is. Is it because i'm not in ministry? Is there something wrong in my relationship with Christ? am I missing something? Am I lacking trust? Am I too wrapped up in getting to the next stage in life? Probably all of the above. BUt why? Why have I allowed myself to slip into this monotony?

I want to start living life again, I don't want to be living for tomorrow. Problem is.... I don't know how. Right now I spend more time dissapointed, whining, and complaining and not enough time being thankful, enjoying the moment and appreciating what is good.

M first iMovie

2009-04-02T13:06:00.000-07:00

Technology - it can be a necessary evil or a joy depending on how well you can adapt and learn. Fortunately for me I have a number of friends that have helped me along the way as I have taken up the task of learning new things and how to use new formats of communication.

Yesterday, Brandon introduced me to the wonders of using iMovie on my mac. Though my final product was relatively simplistic, I had great joy in the process of putting it together. It's amazing what you can do with a computer and a brain.... ahah...

If you are interested in viewing my latest assignment (For Communications and Mass Media), check it out on youtube.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=buV0B6tZNZ4

It's a Creative Commentary on Asian Men in Film and Television... done in a slide format with a music background... (yes I know that the credit for the song in the background is wrong... i changed it last minute and forgot to change the credit.)

Cheers...

2009-02-08T16:03:00.001-08:00

Not created to for self esteem... created to have God-esteem... hmm that's something to think about.

Topsyturveydom

2009-02-07T13:28:00.000-08:00

Never been more homesick than now....

You know on the outside everything looks pretty hunky dory with my life. It's not. Nothing is new, nothing has changed, I struggle as usual. There are days that are amazing, and I feel on top of the world, and then there are days like today where I feel down and out. There are one or two more changes in my life that I need to make, but am feeling as though I just can't make them. I hate that. Will those changes make life better? or is that even the right question to be asking? Is a better question, will those two changes make my life more "right". In the eyes of some, absolutely, in the eyes of others absolutely not. Which is right? I am a lucky person, sometimes only by association, but lucky nonetheless, and yet tormented by my inner self. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. How true!

Have you seen my new apartment? It's amazing! Have you met my friends? They are amazing! I have a job...in this market that is amazing! There are people that care deeply about me...that is amazing! So what's wrong? There is something. or Is it just me?

Soul Struggle

2009-02-05T09:20:00.000-08:00

"A reflection of you I long to be, so your kingdom I will seek, and I surrender to your throne..."

What does it mean to surrender? I know what it means to be obedient. But there is a vast difference between the two. This is the lesson that I am learning right now. I think in some ways it is easier to be obedient when you are first surrendered. BUT... how do I surrender all?

I met with a friend recently who noticed that there was a lack of passion in my life. Why is that? I have simply followed the logical path? Or am I on a path that will lead to a passionate life? I don't need to be happy, but I want to be able to say that there is passion. My friend said that the light she has seen in me in the past was dim. That hurts. But, it's true. Why? Out of the past year, I am more on track with God, more involved in my church, more excited about church, and more purposeful in how I live life, but there is this lack of passion. She also challenged me to really converse with God as to where he wants me to be. I think it has been a long time since I really asked him where HE wants me to be. I've attempted to follow him to where he wants me, but I have failed to ASK what he wants, and failed even greater at listening.

I am learning to let go of the will that I so long to control. I struggle.

Confusing Times

2009-01-22T12:52:00.000-08:00

I don't always understand the way God works, but I am beginning to realize that this doesn't matter. I am a rash, hormonal, passionate person that really needs to take more time to reflect and review before making decisions. This seems to be one of the greatest difficulties in my life.

I wish that my life looked perfect. BUT, knowing that I am human and that I am a sinful person dictates that it won't be. I am to pursue righteousness and holiness, but I will screw up. I am covered by the blood of Christ.

This past week I have been reading in my personal time through the book of Matthew and in church we have been going through Ecclesiastes... it's amazing to me how God uses those times to direct and challenge me and how these times oddly connect together and enable me to have a greater perspective.

This is a jumble of a blog post.... but it's my random thoughts of today.

2009-01-04T13:35:00.000-08:00

Why is it...

The most important relationship in my life is my life with Christ.

Then Why is it that I have neglected it the most throughout my life?

We know what's unhealthy for us in terms of diet, relationships, etc.

Then Why is it we subject ourselves to those unhealthy things anyways?

We say that money is not the most important thing.

Then Why is that when people ask us how we are doing we respond most often in regards to our financial situation (or some deviation of it)?

Random Rememberings...

2008-11-26T09:15:00.000-08:00

It's a sunny Wednesday morning... and it's amazing up at SFU... whoever said that SFU is depressing doesn't know what they are talking about!

But this is not the reason for my post.

Last night I was involved in a discussion about life, but not just life in general, life in Christ. The conversation didn't start there, but rather on the topic of our words, being judged and acquitted by what we say. This then lead to our heart motivations, judging others, or censoring others, and so much more. It was quite the intense little conversation, but left me with a few thoughts that I thought I would share via blog form...

1. I've come to this conclusion repeatedly... Our lives need to be continually transformed from the inside out, and the best way to do this is to allow our minds to be transformed by the word of Christ, thus the importance of spending time with God in the word and not just in prayer etc.

2. We need to remember that in all that we do we need to check our motivations and ensure that they are pure, not based on pride, jealousy, malice etc.

3. No matter who we are or where we are, we are witnesses. Our lives ought to witness the life of Christ, our lives should be lived as a reflection of Christ, our lives should be shared in order to share Christ, and we need to allow our lives to be used by Christ - that means releasing what deem important and our "need to do's", so that Christ can give us his "need to do's"!

There are a few other thoughts... one last one is more of a frustration... How is it that my understanding of Christ and that of those people from that Church in Middle America be so different. Why do they have so much hate in their doctrine, when my doctrine is more based on love? How can our interpretations be so radically opposed? Who is the blind one?

That's it today... other than my continual saga of whether or not to go to camp for the summer and so on... but that's just a regular part of my life... so blah... hahah...

To thine own self be true??

2008-10-20T13:01:00.000-07:00

To thine own self be true??

That is a load of crap... it has been decided! Why would I be true to myself, a sinner, broken, and totally messed up? Wouldn't it be better to be true to Christ?

This is totally one of those doctrines that we as Christians have allowed the world to convince us of...but think about it...

Doesn't the Bible say to die to self? to pick up our crosses and follow Christ? to die is gain and live is Christ? ahem....?? and I know there are more examples... its not about me... its not about myself... its supposed to be about Christ! NOT ME!

I think far too often in my life I haven't realized this as fully as I need to! I know myself better than anyone (except God of course :)), and I know that I am a miserable man (not miserable as in feelings but as in my ability to follow Christ).

Does my Saviour lead me? Have I let go? (haha.. let go)... not enough!

Maybe one day I'll figure it out...

Some things I know...Some things I don't

2008-10-05T13:52:00.001-07:00

Ya know... life is a funny thing... Since my last post I have been thinking a lot about what my spiritual gifts are compared to my natural abilities. I have also been thinking why I was so frustrated at times at camp, why I left, why I am back in school, etc.

To most of the questions I have a vague idea... but in all reality nothing is really clear. This is what I know as of today...

When I read the scriptures, or am studying them in small group or listening to a sermon my automatic reaction is a desire to teach/share what I am learning myself. I like to be in mentoring roles, and have a desire to be mentored myself. I love being out surrounded by nature, but also love the city. I like being around people, but need time to myself to re-energize, I'm in school for one reason or another.

This is what I'm not sure of but have an inkling of...

I have the spiritual gift of teaching and leadership, I have a natural ability of organization, I connect well with people one-on-one, I have more passion, vision, and desire when I am using my spiritual gifts, I need to let go of MY desires more, and I desire to see young people develop into leaders.

This is what I don't know...

Where can I best put my abilities and giftings to work, am I in school to gain perspective or to actually finish this degree, if I will ever not be tired, why I haven't figured it out yet.

I keep walking these journey's. Sometimes I decide which path to take, sometimes God shows me... in the end I want to know that what I am doing brings joy to HIM!

Almost 30, lost as ever, but totally in love with my Saviour!

Post Sunday Ponderings

2008-09-30T22:39:00.000-07:00

Acts 2:42-47

42They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. 46Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

Small groups started three weeks ago with my church and for the first time in many many years I am able to go to one! It's very exciting and I am so thankful for my church and the opportunities that I have to be a part of this community. My particular small group is a Post Sunday Gathering, meaning we discuss the sermon from Sunday and tend to go in more depth from what the pastor spoke on. Every time we gather to discuss I am reminded of how much I love to study my Bible (which is weird because I just don't enough), what is even more interesting is how excited I get about the possibility of teaching and sharing with others what I am learning.

I'm in school to become a teacher. This is the path I beleive that I am supposed to be on. But why? I could teach the word in a church as a Youth Pastor - I have the degree to do that... why is it that I get so excited about the Word and yet am not teaching it now? I think it may because I stopped studying and lost the excitement. I need to be constantly learning in order to share with others. Sounds simple enough, in fact, it sounds like that is how it should be... in my life however, it hasn't been.

The above passage is what we have been studying for the past two weeks. Do you know what the first thought that crossed my head as I started studying it was?... Camp... my thought was "wow... this would be a great topic to share/teach at camp during staff training...the whole idea of community, the idea of coming together, having everything in common, breaking bread together etc." Summer staff teams are amazing every year, but imagine what a staff team could be like if we/they really understood what it meant to live in community like this passage discusses, imagine what it would be like for counselors in the villages, on the deck during a meal, in Q-town, running activities, in staff meeting... EPIC! Life Like NO other! It's in community that we are best able to reflect Christ because it's in that community that we can Love like NO other! Wierd how my thoughts always return to camp.

CAMP... it's in the blood...

2008-07-25T13:20:00.000-07:00

It has been a blessing and a curse being away from camp for the past 8 months...

I have had a lot of experiences I would never have had if I were at camp... some positive, some negative... some good for me and some knowingly not so good. I wish that I could not be so fickle and simply enjoy each moment that God gives as a moment that God gives. I wish that I could learn lifes lessons without screwing up... I know its the same old "shit" for me... but I think I am figuring some things out... 1. I need God in my life... 2. (and more important right now)... I Want God in my life... 3. Camp will always be a part of my life... and 4. I really just need to get over myself. :)

So in the past few months I have allowed myself to explore different aspects of who I am... and am finding that the real joy and love in my life comes from those times that I am in fellowship with brothers and sisters - my christian family. I love working with kids and know that camp is a great place to do that... but I am also excited at the prospect of teaching. Hopefully... those two can co-exist.

I read on a friends blog that leaving camp and feeling that it was for good gave freedom... but in that freedom there was a realization that Camp Ministry is a place where they belonged. I feel very much the same way. All I want to know is whether that is full time or simply during the summer.

I've been reading more and more through the book of Romans but always find myself returning to Romans 11 and 12 to be reminded of how great our God is and that in response to how amazing he is we ought to submit and offer our lives as living sacrifices to be used as he wishes...

I'm excited for the year ahead... Im determined to join a small group, help out at Qwanoes, maybe even join a club on campus... if I don't feel to old... work less (we'll see about that..) and make sure that the changes in my priorities for life become more and more the way I know they should. Who knows what else may be in store... I'll let God decide this time instead of trying to take matters into my own hands.

Merry Christmas

2007-12-25T08:46:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas time in the city! And I love it! I miss Camp in a lot of ways...but we all knew I would to some degree. I think what I miss most is the community, there are a good number of people at Qwanoes who I dearly love and care for... I hope that they all have an incredible Christmas... I also am so thankful for my friends and family here on the mainland. Christmas is an incredible time and it is so great to have so many awesome people in my life. One of the realizations that I continually come to is that I am a very selfish and self-centred person, perhaps this is why relationships are so hard for me. Ya think?

Cactus Club has been good, I have mostly enjoyed being back and was welcomed back in a great way... It's always nice to feel wanted and appreciated! I have also met so many new people in Vancouver, incredible and wonderful people! I am still very excited about this new chapter and although I am nervous about going back to school, I know it will be good. As new pages are written and new people enter into my life, my only hope is that others will continue on this journey with me and want to share life, because that's what its all about... life together.

I grew a Beard...

2007-11-17T15:21:00.000-08:00

So for many this month is called No-Shave November. Now since I am starting back at Cactus on Monday I have not been able to share fully in this event, however I stopped shaving the last week of October and shaved yesterday. So that gave me a solid three weeks of growth on my face. I don't think it is the worst beard ever, however I still don't think it suits me... but for those that are even remotely interested to see what an Asian looks like with facial hair... here ya go!

If you ask me... I look a lot less Asian with facial hair...

Heading on Out!

2007-11-17T15:12:00.000-08:00

Well... I'm all packed and ready to move... all I need now is for my dad to come over with the Truck, load 'er up and off to the city I go. It has been 4 years since I last lived in Vancouver and I am both excited and nervous. There are a number of things to look forward to including but not limited to my new Church Pacific Church, going through the counseling program, friends that live in the city (the last time I lived downtown no one else did) which includes tea with Keira, work... yes I am actually excited to serve.. although it has been a few years and they aren't going to put me through any re-training and i have a new computer system to learn monday morning before my first shift at 11am....i am still excited... i will actually have a bit of money to put towards school and savings at the same time... I hope ;), I am also looking forward to being near my nephew and family, as well as bowling and whitespot with old friends... But with change there is always a sense of nervousness. What will the future hold? How will this time be different? Will I be content? Will I return to Camp? or is this it?

I really do think that although there are going to be a number of familiar things to moving back to the city, that I will be facing a whole new chapter in life.

Did I mention that the best part of being back on the mainland is friends and family... I am so excited! More and more I think I am becomming more like my parents in that I am realizing the importance and comfort of family. I love them! I love you!

I move...tomorrow!

My Throat is Sore

2007-10-30T09:16:00.000-07:00

I have a cold. You know how most times when you have a cold you really want it to go away? Well this time I don't really feel that way. I actually like to feel really sick so that I can have an excuse to go home, make some tea, curl up in a blanket and watch a sappy movie and maybe cry a little. Yup that's how I feel.

I love country music. Especially Rascal Flatts... they warm my heart.

I've blown my nose like 20 times already today and its only 9:30am.

I miss my married friends.

"Life is a series of collissions with the future" What does my future hold? Does it really matter? I need to be more engaged with the present!

What a random post... It must be all the snot in my head!

The Unqualified Blogger

2007-10-20T10:32:00.000-07:00

I really do enjoy reading other peoples blogs... It amazes me at how articulate some of my friends. I have been challenged lately in so many ways as to how melodramatic I am... Sheesh... if I can't be melodramatic in writing watch out cause it will come out in action. (even more so than it does already). What else am I going to write about if its not my melodramatic rantings? My life is rather boring in all perspectives and anything that might be interesting is only so because of the people in my life. So despite what some people might say, if I feel like writing out my emotions, thoughts and rants than I will. If it bothers you then don't read it.

On a lighter note... It's Juniors Retreat. I love these kids! It's funny though, because I am realizing that Camp really is coming to an end in a way for me. Not only am I realizing that I more than likely will not be here next summer, I am realizin I am okay with that. Yes there are parts of me that long to be here, to be a part of the "magic" that is camp, to share in some amazing relationships etc, but all in all, I am ready to move onto the next phase of my life. It is truly a surreal experience. I am so thankful for the opportunities that I have had at Camp Qwanoes and the friendships that I have made here. I also know that I will never be completely separated from camp and that in some way I will always be involved. Camp holds endless memories, shared experiences, lessons learned, and so much more. I really "heart" Camp Q. As I watch these little Juniors and watch the counselors that interact with them I realize more and more that I love seeing people excel, I love seeing people rise to the occassion, and I love encouraging them in the roles they have to play. What an incredible opportunity I have had to serve in this place. What a blessing it has been to know the people that I have known.

Now, it's time to pack. Time to move to the next step. Time to enter into a new chapter. Time to forge new roads. What lies ahead? As cliche as it is... Only Time will tell :)

Ferry Rides

2007-10-15T13:21:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been on a Ferry and your mind starts to "go"... not go in terms of losing it but just go as into overdrive. That's what happened to me yesterday as I Ferried back to the Island after spending time on the mainland. Why can't I be happy? That's where it started. I think I know what I want but when I have it I don't want it anymore. Any faith beleive Christian would tell you that's because God wants whats best for you and that it's not until you align your "will" with His that you will be satisfied. As much as I agree with that, I think there is more to it than that. I think part of the problem is that we all carry baggage that to some degree distort what we believe we want or what is real and true. As I looked out the window sitting at the back of the ferry and watched Tsawwassen dissappear into the night I noticed my reflection in the window. A reflection that was distorted. Yes, I could see me fairly clearly and those around me, but everything to some degree was distorted. I think this is truly how we see life. It's distorted. How can we truly know what we want when we can't fully see who we are? That's why we need to align ourselves to Christ. Because HE can see us for who we truly and fully are. Therefore, HE knows what's best. He sees past our baggage, he sees past our frailties, and he even sees beyond what we think of ourselves.

That said...

I have come to a few conclusions about myself...

As much as I want to be in a meaningful long term relationship I can't handle one. There are many contributing factors to this, but I think the two largest are that what is supposed to be the most important relationship in my life is pretty screwed up right now (Christ and I), from which so many other issues arise, and I don't like "me" very much so why would anyone else. When I say I don't like me, I mean I havn't been able to understand why I make some of the decisions that I make or why I have pursued the things the things that I have. I have left myself questionning what it means to be Ryan. Past what everyone else thinks, or even what I think... WHO is Ryan... not Ryan from the City, not Ryan from Camp, not Ryan a member of the network, not Ryan who lives with same sex attraction, not Ryan the Christ follower, but RYAN... who am I apart from these things? I get this nagging feeling that there is more to life than what I am living now, but I have no idea what that could be. I must believe that life is more.

I wish Christ would clear my eyes and allow me to see a glimpse of the undistored version of who I am.

I'm tired of chasing after nothing. Let me chase after something of worth.

That was my ferry ride.

Upon Reflection

2007-10-11T14:21:00.000-07:00

I am an incredibley jealous person. I have been reading my friends blogs lately and seeing where their lives have taken them and what they are doing... how "peppy" they are and how much they love buying bananas... and I find myself wishing that I was where they are. This blog seems to be incredibley negative all the time, with me only ranting. Well... I am going to put a stop to it. At least I am going to try.

Vancouver... things are falling into place. I have an apartment on Barclay Street in the West End, I have a job secured, and I am in process with SFU to once again be a student. It's time to "grow up"... not that I'm not grown up, but I am at a place where I want to settle a bit and though that is a frightening prospect I am also very excited about not having to relocate and examine life every 6 months. I am excited that I can get involved in a church, be who I am to the full degree and not be ashamed of anything in my life that I shouldn't be ashamed of. It's time to move of the ride I'm on (since it stopped) and get on a new one.. Maybe I will try Splash Mountain...teehee...

Let's Go... what are you waiting for? Seems funny that this was the theme for the past summer... It seems to be ringing true in my life. I'm going... not what I expected but welcomed at the same time!

UP and OUT

2007-10-04T11:58:00.000-07:00

So... My official last full time day is October 31 and my last part time day is November 14. Weird. It's like an era of my life is coming to an end. I know that as much as I would want to return to camp next summer I probably won't. There are a few things that would keep me from coming back...mostly having to do with me and nothing having to do with the camp itself.

IN other news I am looking at an apartment on Monday and talking with Cactus as well. I am also meeting up with a friend and hanging out after Sunday's Thanksgiving festivities.

Life seems like it is moving a mile a minute and at the same time moving as slow as molasses!
Have you ever wanted something so much that it hurts and then you basically get it and wonder if it's what you really want? Basically life is annoying. But we move on and we continue living because what else would we do. It is a pretty crazy adventure and I want to see what happens as painful or frustrating as it can be. Why is it that we are always trying to please everyone or maintain the status quo? I am so sick and tired of being the person that people expect me to be but at the same time know that if I am who I am then people would look at me so differently... they would say stupid cliches like "wow he really took a fall", or "I can't believe that happened to him, how could he do that?", or maybe "we really need to pray for him". Frankly, people can pray all they want but unless they know what is going on in my heart and in my head they have no idea what they are praying for. Let me tell you about it, and don't just judge by what you see because you have no right! Judge yourself first. Oh.. and while I'm on that... sharing my story should be a good thing but why is it that some people have decided that I shouldn't ... i'll tell you why... it's because they are afraid that i'll rock the boat, that I'll challenge the norms that hey are used to... that's why, they are afraid of what they don't know. Well to them I say get over yourselves and start opening your eyes around you and the truth of what people are really experiencing.. good people, people that love God, people that serve him ... we are all messed up people, life would be so much easier if we would all recognize, admit and live together towards wholeness! That's my peace today.

RESIGNED

2007-10-01T15:16:00.000-07:00

I did it. Scott Bayley has on his desk my resignation. I am done at Camp Qwanoes as of November 15, 2007. Though this may come as a shock, it shouldn't. It has been a long time coming. The question is... what now? I moving on, that's what's now. Moving on to the teacher life. But first... 3 years of school :( More studying... more working at Cactus... more time for relationships? not really sure on that front... More time to get counseling. YEs I am going to a counselor in January... at least that is the plan. I think the worst part is I have to move. I hate moving! So if you are inclined... I could use the help... more so in finding a place than anything. I would like to live in the downtown vancouver area and can spend about $800 a month.

In other news God and I will continue to dispute and struggle, but I am also going to relax a bit. I am going to step into new adventures and see what comes.

For those of you who haven't read my last Xanga...
I had a great talk with my sister last night. Sometimes I think God really knew what he was doing when he put us in the same family! She is pretty much amazing. God has gifted her in incredible ways... As blunt as she is, it's exactly what I need at certain points in my life.
As some know I have been considering going back to school in Sept 2008 to do up my BA and finish a Teaching Degree... I think its time to say goodbye to camp and walk into a new chapter in my life. A new chapter filled with some old stories... Back to Cactus (cause where else can I make that kind of cash in that short of time legally and morally), back to Harbour Dance (cause I need some sort of outlet), back to living downtown (cause let's face it...it's just too convenient)... and back to real days off. But the story is I am looking at going to SFU in Sept. 2008 and doing up this degree thing which means another 3 years in school... but more likely 5 years in school at a slower pace (so that I can work, go to school and live all at the same time). The worst part of it is moving and leaving behind things that I have started. I really do love camp, but I think I need to get moving in another direction.
My sister mentioned that my life is a dichotomy of two lives (Camp Ryan and City Ryan)... and really the two have a hard time co-existing. So the new Ryan.... the real Ryan is about to be discovered... in which I am sure there will be elements of both Camp and City Ryan's. To be honest...change scares me. And maybe that is why it has taken me so long to move on.

The RESCUE

2007-09-30T11:03:00.000-07:00

Okay so I am completely a Romantic Novel cheesey kind of person in my head. Yes it's true... I like teenage romance movies like Sydney White (and yes I saw it in the theatre)... I also like Johnathan Sparks (A Walk to Remember, The Rescue, The Notebook)... In fact I just finished the Rescue and I have decided that I have a split personality that personifies the two main characters Taylor and Denise... on one hand I am distant, troubled, lieing to myself and alone... on the other hand I allow my emotions to overwhelm me when I try to keep them under guard, I overanalyze every little situation but again I am alone.

Do I like being alone... I always say no...Do I mind being alone... I usually say no... So... the question is am I being honest with myself? I am lonely... it's true. I try and tell myself that I'm not, that I'm perfectly fine on my own, that I don't need anyone else and yet at the very truth of the matter I am dead afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. Problem is.. I don't know how to change in order to stop pushing people away and to allow them to enter into my world. It seems as though (just like Taylor) I push people away as soon as we start getting close... Why is that? I admit that I am afraid of committment.... but I'm not sure if that is all of it... IN fact I think there is a lot more to it... I just havn't been able to pin point what that is... Hmmm... Life is a mess.

So totally Messed up!

2007-09-27T11:56:00.000-07:00

In so many ways I want to move back to the city and change some things in my life. What keeps me from going... work... stupid really. I worry about the interns and how it will affect them because I was working really hard to make the internship program at the camp better and now I'm giving it over to someone else and I don't even know who that someone is... Hiring...and recruitment... I have already had significant contact with staff for next summer and I don't want them to be forgotten... Past and future staff... counselors and the HCT... I'm afraid that if I do leave that I won't be back next summer and I really want to... but I don't really see how it is feasible...

So why do I want to move to the city? I love the city... I love all that it has to offer... I want to be able to have a day off and actually enjoy day off instead of having someone come find me to get to me do something when I would rather sit on my couch curl up and watch a movie.

I am frickin 28 and I really long for intimacy. I want that comfort, can you blame me? And Camp just does not foster the ability to have a healthy relationship... I don't care that people think you can "make it work"... camp is not the best place... it's like I'm in a relationship with camp in a way that makes very little room for anyone else. It asks you to miss weddings, birthdays, holidays, to work when you deserve a rest, never leaves you because you can't really leave it and expects you to do all of this with a positive attitude. Ridiculous!

I'm selfish... what can I say. I want more.

A NEW Adventure...

2007-09-25T15:59:00.000-07:00

Look out world 'cause here comes Ryan UNCENSORED... not that there is anything extreme in this blog, but it is going to allow readers into spaces of my brain that I would normally keep under lock and key. Why would I do such a thing? Let's just say that it is theraputic and healthy and leave it at that. I will put out a new post very soon.. but for now just keep your eyes open!